Another Bane of My Existence!

I just had an epiphany and I absolutely must stop watching cooking shows, even though I thoroughly enjoy watching them and learning new things about cooking.

I've learned a lot about texture, balance, depth and layers. My own cooking efforts now incorporate seasonings and techniques I never learned the first 60 years of my life. I even have a very expensive stainless steel double-headed mallet for beating the crap out of a chicken breast or a cheap cut of steak. Even restaurants now fear me and I've been banned from a couple (OK, not really, yet, but the day is probably coming). This all from the guy that used to think that a chili dog off that rotating thingy at 7-11 was fine dining. Hey! It's fine that I can get it any time of the day and it's dining.

But I'm rambling! Back to cooking shows on the TV.

Alas! I finally figured out the down side.

There are dozens of cooking shows and I used to watch most of them or tape them to watch later. Several each week, sometimes 2 or 3 in one day. The down side isn't the amount of time I spend watching these show. The down side is that watching these show have two really nasty side effects!

First, watching all these new ingredient combinations and techniques make me want to try them out right away. Unfortunately, sometimes that means that it's 10 p.m. at night and I'm out bustling around in the kitchen when I should be going to bed.

Secondly, like most Americans, I've come down with a rasty condition called instantgratificationitis. Which means that I've developed the need to eat that which I have recently created. Usually along about 30 minutes after 10 p.m. (which is about the same amount of time the contestants have to prepare their dish for judges tasting and I'm simply following their recipe).

I've also noticed that the need to duplicate and eat something I've seen on one of these shows is directly proportional to the ingredients. For instance, octopus. I get to bed right on time. I don't do octopus. However, chocolate, bacon, a nice cut of steak, just a touch of cayenne, oh heck, the list does go on so. I'm so glad Harris-Teeter is a 24-hour store.

So, I guess if I want to lose weight I'll have to quit taping and watching cooking shows. Maybe I'll substitute them with Storage Wars or Pawn Stars. There IS this cool place called the Stuff Store just up the street selling *antiques* and other cool second-hand items.

Unfortunately, it's right next to one of those convenient 24-hour fine dining establishments. But at least it's sure to keep me out of the kitchen.

Another Trip Down Memory Lane

I went on another trip down Memory Lane today. A friend sent me an e-mail about “things that were being said back in 1955”. I was four years old. The e-mail mentioned twenty-five cents a gallon for gas and twenty cents for a pack of cigarettes. My memory recalls prices a little differently and it got me to thinking about some of the things I did as a kid. I’m not sure if any of those things actually would rise to the level of felony, but it’s still a darned good thing that I didn’t get caught. Mostly, anyway, as you’ll find out when I tell this story and the one about smoking in the boys room.

Some of the things I did are humorous today. Probably not so much when they went down. At least, not for some of the victims and possibly my parents. None of it was done to be vicious – just pranks by young people who had too much time on their hands and the hard drug culture wasn’t big enough or attractive enough to get our attention yet.

Take, for instance, the beginning of my smoking habit. I started smoking at the age of eleven and it lasted about 40 years. It all began because a couple of friends and I would ride our bicycles into, and through, the Hallstead iron foundry on Saturday mornings. It was a huge and awesome place and we would always get chased by one of the few millers that put in Saturday hours. One of the millers finally trapped us in a corner of the foundry and threatened to call the police. But he was a soft old geezer and just couldn’t turn us in. Instead, he made us an offer that was difficult to refuse. At the time, those little Swisher Sweets cigarillos were fifteen cents a pack. He would call the pharmacist at the local drug store and tell him that we were coming to get him a pack of Sweets. He would give us a quarter to ride our bikes down to the drug store and back with his Sweets and we could keep the change. Oh, and keep our bicycles outside of the foundry so we didn’t get hurt. That first time we learned that a pack of Marlboro cigarettes only cost a dime. So, we convinced the pharmacist that the quarter was to buy the Sweets AND the Marlboros. After making delivery on those little cigars, my friends and I would go to our local “fort” and light up. It was a pretty sweet situation that lasted for several months. We created our own downfall. On one trip, we had some extra change and so we bought a pack of Marlboros, a pack of Camels and a pack of Salem menthols. After we left, the pharmacist called the miller and found out that the man didn’t smoke cigarettes at all. We were banned from the drug store and the miller said he would call the police if we ever came back around the foundry.

Not that it mattered a whole lot. We found other creative ways to feed our young and growing nicotine habit. After all, John Wayne would have expected us to be resourceful if we were going to be the bad guys. We continued getting our cigarettes, with the help of some older boys, using money we earned turning in bottles or mowing lawns or shoveling sidewalks. We also kept going to our local “fort” which was a very small one room storage building for the township. It sat at the top of the hill behind the carnival grounds/Little League Baseball field (truly another story). It was full of small crates that were pretty well sealed with nails and metal straps. We never tried to get into them. Hey, we may have been delinquents but we weren’t exactly criminally minded. Besides, the crates were made out of wood and we took up the art of wood-burning using matches and lit cigarettes. We created all kinds of cool designs on those old wooden crates. Right up until we got caught by the township Assistant Fire Chief. His best convincing argument to leave and never come back was the fact that the crates contained the fireworks being stored for the township carnivals. It’s one thing to go up in smoke, but we sure didn’t want to go down in flames.

It wasn’t long after that that one of my friends was playing around the old road tar barrel machine kept on the same property. The tar was kept hot by a small gas flame under the barrel. When he lifted the lid, some sticky tar created a bubble between the lid and rim. When it burst, Bucky was covered with the hot tar and severely burned. It was the final straw, so to speak, that convinced us that it wasn’t a safe place to play. None of the rest of us wanted to lose our hair, eyebrows, eyelashes or have our facial skin nothing but pink patches for the rest of our lives.

We moved on to other delinquent activities. Which is another way of saying that this story has ended, but there are others to be told.

There Are No Traffic Accidents

Most of my blog posts are meant to be humorous rants, anecdotes or tongue-in-cheek ramblings (my success varies, apparently, depending on the reader). I'm going to be serious this time, maybe the only time, because it is a topic that could save a life.

I took the on-line National Safety Council (NSC) Defensive Driver Training Course recently - for the second time. My insurance company gives me a hefty discount if I complete the course every few years. I've taken several different courses from several different sources over the years and what I caught onto this time that I missed all the previous times is that, just like there are no such things as coincidences, there are no such things as car accidents - only missed opportunities to avoid collisions.

Don't confuse "accident" with "Act of God" as they are mutually exclusive.

An "accident" is defined as "an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally, typically resulting in damage or injury." Almost every vehicle collision can be expected, mainly because it occurs due to intentional actions. Thus, collisions are not accidents because they are avoidable by taking reasonable actions. An example would be rear-ending the car in front of you because you are distracted by texting.

An "Act of God" is a situation where no reasonable human involvement or action would have prevented a disastrous consequence. An example would be the bolt of lightning coming out of a clear blue sky. The only human involvement or action would be to cuddle up in jammies with a favorite someone and never leave the house. Preferable, maybe, but not reasonable. So the lighting strike was unexpected, unintentional and could not be avoided.

Apply this logic to any vehicular collision and you cannot help but end up supporting the hypothesis.

I must point out that not all collisions are the results of the involved driver(s). For instance, the rollover that occurs due to the broken tie rod that resulted from unintentionally driving over the unexpected six inch deep pothole. However, the pothole is a result of either poor road construction or maintenance neglect which is intentional on someone's part and the result of that poor product or neglect can be expected. The missed opportunity to prevent this collision took place during road construction or inspection and maintenance, unless the pothole occurred due to a lightning strike out of a clear blue sky seconds before impact. Because normally, potholes develop over time and can be removed as an incident causing problem by simple, reasonable human involvement and action.

That type of situation aside, any other collision is the result of the involved driver(s). Inattention due to scolding the kids in the back seat or talking on a cell phone (which is why the NSC wants a complete ban on the use of cell phones while driving - even hands free calls). Failure to inspect and maintain the condition of the vehicle resulting in brake failure. Ignoring the three-second following rule or going too fast for conditions resulting in the rear-ender. Inappropriately driving while under the influence (including prescription and over-the-counter medications) and not being able to steer clear in time. The list goes on.

So, please value your life, the lives of your loved ones and the lives of others you will have chance encounters with while you are on the road - enough to refresh your safe driving skills by taking the NSC or some other Defensive Driver refresher course. This time, pay close attention and you, too, will become a believer that there are no such things as car accidents.

Besides the possibility of getting a discount on your car insurance, you might save money by not having to pay a deductible because you are better skilled at avoiding a collision or save money by not having to pay a fine for a traffic violation ticket.

Most importantly, you might be saving someone's life.

Alarm Company Onslaught

I made two attempts to report an insue on line to a MAJOR alarm system company. Yeah, right, like that would get results even if it did work.

So, I won't name names. You would recognize them. They advertise like crazy just about everywhere you turn. Which means that if I really wanted to have them install and monitor their system in my house it would be really easy to contact them because their name and number is engraved on the cells of my brain - just what the advertising is designed to do and it is very effective. But, I really don't want them. Been there, done that, wasn't happy, went somewhere else even though I have to look my alarm company number up every time I need to talk to them.

So, they really don't need to violate civil decency AND the law AND posted property to conduct door-to-door sales at night. But, they do. This new incident is about number three or four in the past year from the same company. If I wasn't interested and kicked you off property the last three times, what do you expect this time around? You must be insane, as the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Hello! Guess what!?! You're insane!

Late one evening a young man rang my doorbell. As I was lounging partially undressed in my living room (sorry I had to put that mental picture in your mind, but I have to properly set up the incident), I yelled to wait and proceeded to make myself presentable thinking it was one of our neighbors coming over with something good to eat or drink - or looking for something good to eat or drink.

Apparently the young man didn't hear me yell, so he stuck a business card in the outer door and started to walk away just as I opened the main door. He turned back and stated that he didn't think anyone was home so he stuck his manager's business card in the door and walked away. No, I am not repeating myself. I told you what he did, then I told you what he said. They just both are pretty much the same thing so it sounds like I'm repeating myself. Yes, my short term memory is going as I get older, but it isn't that bad. Actually, the worst thing about me getting older seems to be that my short term memory is going.

At about 7:30 p.m. (yes, that IS late evening for me, after all, in case I haven't told you, I'm old enough to start having problems with my short term memory), it's very dark around here. The County has a solicitation permit requirement and there isn't one on file for this alarm company or anyone associated with this alarm company. Therfore, when they conduct door-to-door sales, they are violating County ordinances. Another way of saying that is that they are breaking the law. The very company that wants to protect me from people breaking the law ARE breaking the law. Further, the property is a private association and posted "NO SOLICITING" so door-to-door sales is trespassing on private property. Another way of saying that is that they are breaking the law. The very company that wants to protect me from people breaking the law ARE breaking the law. And no, that is not an indication of a lapse in my short term memory - I intentionally reiterated to emphasize!

What further incensed me COULD lead to accusations of aiding and abetting in a crime. I know, I know, that's another way of saying they are breaking the law and it's the very company that yada yada yada, however I don't want to be repeating myself. The sales agent left the business card stuck in the outer door. Now, leaving literature of any kind, including a business card, stuck in an external door is a red flag to any would-be thief that nobody is home - and no matter what kind of alarm system is installed, there is still a window of time available for would-be thieves to break in, cause a lot of property damage and make off with items of value (some of which may not be replaceable). Therefore, all a would-be criminal has to do is follow this sales agent around and let the sales agent case all the homes and mark the best targets for break ins.

So! Imagine my ire when, after this very rude young man  comes to my door, rings my doorbell, then puts a business card in my outer door because I didn't respond fast enough, he goes about increasing my ire by being obnoxious when I inform him VERY POLITELY that he shouldn't be here because the property is posted. Insult upon insult he then asks if I have an alarm system. This is none of his business and I don't know who he is anyway - maybe casing my place for another night? His reply is that he is here because his manager dropped him off. My response is that maybe he should call his manager to come pick him up and what is it about the word "NO" that he doesn't understand. Which only causes him to become even more rude which is a direct reflection upon his inability to provide even basic customer service and deal with irate customers. Even though I shouldn't be a customer. First, he alienates the potential customer and then proceeds to alienate further when he doesn't know how to handle the situation. SHAME on the YOUNG MAN and the ALARM COMPANY and this young man's MANAGER!

The young man walked up the street, skipping several homes, then approached another doorway FULLY AWARE THAT I WAS OBSERVING. This was the final obnoxious act that prompted me to call the police department non-emergency number to have a patrol officer respond when available. They are very good about that around here, by the by. Especially if you use the non-emergency number. So, I'm still on my cell phone at the front door talking to the police when the young man, after receiving no response at the doorway, strolls back towards me while I'm standing in my doorway talking to the police department (hmmmmm . . . maybe I DID repeat myself that time). He smirked at me and flipped his hand in a little obnoxious wave and I don't mind telling you that I felt very intimidated, so I shut and locked my door.

The police contacted me a very short time later to let me know that they had performed a drive by without seeing anyone matching the description I had provided. I had heard several vehicles drive by, so not only was one of them a police vehicle but one was probably the manager making a pick up.

Now, back to my opening line. This alarm company makes a big deal out of having the wonderful customer service, well-trained security professionals, superb ethics, ad nauseum. So I try to use their on line form for filing a complaint and when I try to submit it - nothing. My computer doesn't lock up or give me the blue screen of death, it just - well, nothing. So, thinking my short term memory made me think I had tried to submit the form and hadn't really done so I filled it all out once again and tried to submit it. Now I'm getting really worried about my memory because again - nothing.

Meanwhile, I subsequently contacted the police department and the County Attorney and verified that there is no solicitation permit on file, that laws have been violated and I was asked if I want to press charges. No, I just want the alarm company to do four things:

   1. Train their personnel on the law in the area in which they operate
   2. Train their personnel on customer service
   3. Train their personnel to OBEY THE LAW AND POSTED SIGNS ON PRIVATE PROPERTY
   4. Since this is about the third or fourth time in the past year I have had to chase their agents away from my door PLEASE STOP HARASSING ME!

Now that I have that off my mind. Let me tell you about this experience I had the other night. There I was, lounging partially undressed in my living room (sorry I had to put that mental picture in your mind, but I have to properly set up the incident) . . .