Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Physics 101 Part 1 - Gravity

Gravity is defined by Wikipedia as “. . . most commonly experienced as the agent that gives weight to objects with mass and causes them to fall to the ground when dropped.”

Several years ago I purchased a futon frame and mattress. I toted it home in my pickup truck and SWMBO and I quite handily carried the frame into the downstairs back room. I personally carried the mattress, with ease, from the truck to the frame. No big feat, there, as I was quite able to overcome the gravitational force upon the mass of the mattress.

Apparently, over time, the agent has increased, the mattress has gained mass or my fourteen year old grandson Austin is a beast.

The other day, I watched Austin toss the futon mattress over his shoulder and trot it up the stairs to its new resting place on the second floor. Just three days earlier, I had slid the mattress off the futon frame with the intention of doing the same. However, after struggling for about twenty seconds and not being able to pick it up, I spent the next eight minutes sliding it up off the floor back onto the frame.

I never got the memo! It was never in the newspaper (of course, I only get it on Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday so it may have been in Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday). Good Morning America never reported it and I watch it faithfully every morning (OK, only the first thirty minutes, but I would have thought news this big would have led the broadcast).

When did the force of gravity increase ten-fold or when did the futon mattress gain so much mass? One of those must surely be the reason why I couldn’t lift it over my shoulder and trot it up the stairs. Surely.

Physics 101 Part 2 - I wonder if I looked up “Theory of Relativity” I would see it defined as my grandson is a beast?

Monday, June 10, 2013

Fast Food Window Performance Anxiety!

I now have performance anxiety when I go to the drive-thru of the local fast food restaurant of a national chain. I won't name brands, this could have been any fast food window. Suffice it to say that I am NOT lovin' it!

I don't fancy myself a food critic and fortunately for everyone that isn't the point of this rambling.

There I am at the order station. The "May I take your order, please?" is mechanical but otherwise pleasant enough, I suppose. After all, the speaker system isn't 2013 Bose quality. Actually, it isn't 1950's drive-in theater quality, either. I actually achieve better sound quality with my iPhone 4S speaker enhancement system:


But, I digress (or ramble you might say).

Anyway, the phrase "You get what you pay for!" comes to mind. Several times as you'll soon see.

A simple order, I'm thinking. Two value-menu cheeseburgers; two value-menu cheddar-fried onion burgers; four value-menu cheeseburgers without the bun or toppings (just the meat and cheese, please and put all four of them in a single container). The first part of the order is for SWMBO; the second part of the order is for me; the third part of the order is for the Boston Terrier that doesn't eat buns or pickles (or flame-grilled burgers, either).

The tinny voice says "Please come to the first window to complete your order, I can't understand you."

I finish my explanation to the attendant at the first window and notice that there, posted for my edification, are the standards for ordering and paying for hamburgers. I say for my edification, because the signs are facing me, not the employee. Therefore, I must presume that these are the standards by which I will be measured for placing and paying for my order.


Thankfully, the employee does not outright embarass me for not meeting the standards for ordering. I breath a sigh of relief over the payment target because I'm using a credit card, not cash! Whew! And I am sent to the second window to pick up my order.

While the penalty for failure to meet the standards was not posted, it apparently includes waiting more than 10 minutes for an order of 8 dry gray mystery meat patties, four of which were  too small for their buns and the other four each neatly packaged in their own plastic covered serving platter. None of which was known to me until I got home and presented my foraging and gathering results to my family. Much to my embarrassment.

Again, I caution that I am not a food critic. I will simply let a picture be worth a thousand words - I introduce you to the cheddar-fried onion burger!

Let your imagination run wild over what other picures I could have gotten of the rest of the order. And don't grieve for the Boston, she had leftover roasted chicken breast cut to order.

I guess I've learned my lesson, again, about how I get what I pay for. But even more unnerving is that there are now standards by which I must measure up to place and pay for fast food.

But, don't worry, I won't ask you "How am I doing? Call 555-555-5555!"

Thursday, June 6, 2013

What If It Just Needs a Little Tweaking?

I’ve read several papers that address the long lines experienced at the 2012 General Election. The general impressions I’m left with are that the problem was universally widespread and that a lot of things are broken and need to be fixed. The proposed solutions, many costly and requiring years to fully implement, may not actually solve the problem and, in some cases, may actually create new ones.

While this may seem to be backed up by some media reports, the success stories are not newsworthy so the intensity of the problem may be a bit skewed. Over all, in my humble opinion, we do a pretty good job of running elections with the restrictions and resources we have to work with. In fact, many polling places fared much better than reports would indicate and those that didn’t might benefit more from a simple tweak. A low or no cost tweak that could be implemented without Department of Justice pre-clearance, would apply to any and all polling places, would produce immediate results in all elections and maybe even go a long way toward relieving long lines at some of the polls.

The tweak is called Excellent Customer Service.

Since I’m well known for correlations, I won’t disappoint now.

Let’s look at operating polling places from a business viewpoint. A business measures its success by the bottom line which is the dollar bill in the till. A business improves the bottom line by providing valued product accompanied with Excellent Customer Service. Watch any of the television reality shows about a failing restaurant, bar or hair salon and you will quickly arrive at the same conclusions – the business is failing because of inferior product and unsatisfactory service. Once these issues are corrected, the failing establishment is quickly on its way to recovery.

The measure of a successful polling place is the ballot in the box and the ease with which a voter gets it there. How does a polling place improve the bottom line? By providing a valued product accompanied with Excellent Customer Service. Sound familiar? I wonder how a polling place would fare if Chef Ramsey (Restaurant Nightmares), Chef Irvine (Restaurant Impossible), Willie Degel (Restaurant Stakeout), Jon Taffer (Bar Rescue) or Tabatha Coffey (Tabatha Takes Over) were to take on the challenge of a polling place failure to deliver to voter’s expectations.

Although there is little local control over the product, a brief side discussion is warranted. If a restaurant menu doesn’t include enough choices, diners will dine elsewhere. On the other hand, a menu with too many choices leads to systemic failures in the kitchen which lead to diner dissatisfaction which results in a loss of business. So, too, a ballot without choices leads to voting apathy. Since there is no “elsewhere” to go to vote, voters choose to just not go. So, too, do pundits have it right when they say that a complicated ballot undermines the voting process. A ballot with too many choices, like complicated referendums on a ballot in a major election, leads to systemic confusion, delays and long lines. This discourages voters from continued participation in elections, especially new voters who are likely to stay away from future elections to avoid the frustration.

While there may not be a lot of control over the ballot at our level, certainly the voter experience can be influenced. Although some equipment logistics may need to be addressed, they are not going to be effective if customer service isn’t addressed. After all, even old and tired kitchen equipment can produce a satisfying dinner. I’ve heard (or said myself) numerous times that the food was well worth the wait. But if the service is below par, the food won’t matter because the diner will refuse to hang around long enough to taste it.


When it comes to customer service, everyone in a commercial establishment from the Owner, to the General Manager, to the Front of House Manager to the Wait Staff must be well-trained, communicate well and have a common goal in sight – Excellent Customer Service – in order to ensure satisfied customers, generate large tabs and tips, and lead to repeat business so that everyone makes a lot of money.

Applied to the voting process, everyone involved from the Electoral Board to the General Registrar and staff, to the Chief Officer, to the Officers of Election must be well-trained, communicate well and have a common goal in sight – Excellent Customer Service – in order to ensure satisfied voters, creates repeat business and make sure that all elections are meaningful by increased participation.

In order to provide Excellent Customer Service, you must study every interaction that affects a voter’s experience and take action to address each one to ensure the most positive experience. Do voters move through the polling place in a logical and efficient pattern or do they have to crisscross the room several times creating unnecessary delay and frustration? Are voters greeted with smiles and offers of explanation or assistance as they make their way through the stations or is it a minefield of unexpected unpleasant chance meetings? Sure, more pollbook stations will help, but that isn’t the end-all be-all solution. Are voters reminded to have their ID card out for the Pollbook Officer? Rummaging for an ID after they get to the pollbook table can back the line up quickly. Does the Pollbook Officer have their hand out in a taking gesture as the voter approaches? People react to visual stimuli. The gesture is universal for “give me” and they’ve been pre-conditioned as to what to give by the Greeter. Without a word said, the voter’s instinct is to hand over the ID. This approach to one simple interaction with each and every voter can change a real time waster and line management problem into a line mover. When there is an issue with the voter’s status that prevents immediate check in and ballot issue, is the problem dealt with at the register or sent to the customer service desk so that the register keeps on ringing – Oops!  Is the issue dealt with at the pollbook table or sent to the Chief so that the voter line keeps on moving through check in?

Studies abound on the effect on people of waiting in line. When a person that is waiting in line is consumed by their golf tee time or picking up their toddler at day care, a ten minute wait in line will seem like an hour. Distract that same person by engaging them in some other way (How about those Yankees?) and that hour wait only feels like ten minutes. Our brains have a funny way of dealing with things that would astound you, just watch Brain Games a couple of times and you’ll come to the same conclusion. A person left to stew over the wait time and allowed to develop line rage is much less likely to be as pleasant and cooperative at the pollbook table as a person who has had a pleasant interaction with an Officer of Election. Hand out paper towels on rainy election days or offer a folding chair to an elderly voter while they are waiting in line. Smile, provide an encouraging word, engage the voter in a friendly interaction. It comes down to the little things. Need proof? Go to any major theme park, wait in line for a ride, and allow yourself to be distracted by the videos and music while you wait. Oh, wait, you’re next already?

There are dozens of additional ways to ensure a positive experience by a voter. Are the practices in the polling place designed to provide excellent customer service as well as meet the requirements of law? Are the Officers of Election specifically trained in, and believe in, providing excellent customer service? Do they place the same priority on customer service as exists in the General Registrar’s office? Do they care enough to actively seek ways to improve the service provided to the voter? The answers to these questions will indicate where tweaking is necessary to solve issues that lead to long lines at the polls and make the wait more tolerable when long lines do occur. In many cases, maybe, just maybe, a simple tweak is all that’s really necessary and then those other more complicated and costly solutions can be targeted to those few specific instances that truly warrant them.

Tunnelitis

Ever notice how traffic slows upon approach to a tunnel? It's been explained as a natural human reaction to the "closing down" of the peripheral vision as you enter the tunnel. It's the culprit behind many a traffic deadlock between Peninsula and Southside or vice versa.

Complicated and expensive solutions have been postulated over and over. However, a simple and relatively inexpensive solution was proposed a long time ago that would solve the problem.

Install Christmas Tree Running Lights at the entrance to the tunnel, timed at 60 miles an hour. Your brain will try to keep up with the lights.

Need to slow traffic down due to maintenance or an accident? Slow the lights down to 25 miles an hour. Your brain will try to keep up with the lights.

Ever notice how traffic slows down upon approach to 2 lanes from 5 lanes? What if the lights were timed at 75 miles an hour at the 2 lanes and 65 miles an hour at the 5 lanes?

Ever notice how traffic slows down upon approach to 1 lane from 2 lanes and the driver behind you speeds up to pass you on the right only to slow down to less than the speed limit once in front of you and creating a traffic hazard? What if the lights they saw were blue and rotating?

AJ is Rambling, Again!

Just what everybody has been waiting for! A chance to see the inner workings of my mind!

Talk about an eclectic collection of thought processes. If you leave here as sane as when you entered, you will be the only one of us two. Now that I have an outlet for all the clutter in my brain, check back when you want to be entertained. Rants, raves and lunatic ramblings will be your reward.

I am a self-described anomaly. Short, fat, ugly, crude, rude, socially unacceptable, politically incorrect and lingquistically challenged initially comes to mind.

I'm the guy that answers the nurses question "How tall are you?" with the reply "Seven foot three."
                    Hey, it makes the weight seem just about right.

I'm the guy that answers the doctors "How are you?" with the reply "I was hoping you would tell me."
                   Hey, she has the answers to all the tests.

I'm the guy that responds to the supermarket cashier's "Have a nice day!" with the reply "Thanks, but I have other plans already."
                  Hey, it's my day, I'll do with it what I want.

And just in case you are the type to believe everything you read, forget everything I've written above.

I am actually a 6 foot 2 inch adonis with long lanky hair and six pack abs.

If you apply the "AJ is Rambling, Again" translator app to that statement, you'll get "I'm a 5 foot almost 4 inch white-haired old man with six pack abs (right behind the kegger belly).

But, I'm OK. Are you?

Enjoy.